Blog Every Day in April. I'm giving it a shot.

I really should quit ignoring this blog. I've been updating my beauty-related blog a lot more lately, but I shouldn't totally abandon this one in that process. I'm going to try to do this "blog every day in April" thing. We'll see how that turns out. I intend to include a photo every day, too. In order to get myself back into photography a bit.

There's only a bit over a month left in the semester. I do not understand how this happened. It went by so quickly, but there is still so much that needs to be done. Hopefully I can convince myself to kick it up a notch and get some shit done. We'll see how that goes.

I'm not really a fan of spring. It's messy. It smells fairly unpleasant. It's ugly until things start growing. Right now it's just mud and dirty snow and brown. I hate it. I am happy that it's getting a bit warmer. I've been able to ride my bike to class again, thereby reducing my lateness tendencies drastically. Just a little bit warmer and I'll be out exploring with my camera again. That excites me a lot. There have been a lot of places I got curious about during the winter but didn't want to or couldn't explore it when it was cold and snowy. Hopefully Minneapolis puts out the bikes people can rent soon. If I'm going to be exploring at a distance, I don't think my gear-less Stella is going to cut it. (Stella is my bike if you didn't know).

Until tomorrow.

Rambling

It's been awhile. So I'm mostly just going to dump all my random thoughts here.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be more reliable at blogging if people would actually read my blog. But maybe people are waiting for me to be more reliable first. I'll never know. I have no idea what I am doing with my life other than wasting it away. It's my 21st birthday in a week and a half. I'm pretty disinterested in drinking so I don't care that much. I haven't planned anything. I have low expectations.

I've spent a lot of time/money the last few weeks as I spontaneously got into watching Glee. I'd been avoiding it purposely, mostly since I already waste too much time and partly because I resist things that are recommended to me. I finally gave in, though. I've watched most of the episodes now and bought 3 CDs from the Borders I would occasionally visit. It's closing now, which is too bad, but it resulted in its merchandise being on sale, which I am always a fan of. So I splurged on some CDs.

Then I listened to them all while dying my hair today. I hate the smell of the dye while I'm using it, but I love the way my hair smells after I've rinsed and conditioned it. I love my hair dark. I wish it was just like this on its own, but I'll settle for coloring it every so often. 

I've been renting lots of movies from the library lately. Finally getting around to some that had been on my list to watch for awhile, as well as some random ones I hadn't really been planning on. In case you were wondering, these are what I've watched in the last few weeks:

The Invention of Lying

Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging

The Graduate

Annie Hall

Away We Go

Music and Lyrics

Good Night, and Good Luck

Last Chance Harvey

Mostly mediocre but enjoyable. Did not like Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. Adorable book series, terrible movie. The rest were good, though. I'm especially glad I finally watched The Graduate straight through. I really do like that one.

I've been meaning to go see The King's Speech in theaters. Hopefully I will actually remember before it's gone from them. I never went to see The Social Network, and now I want to, but there is no way I'll get it from the library any time soon. I mean, I requested the soundtrack to Harry Potter 7 on January 8th and finally got it this past Thursday. And common sense tells me that more people like movies than like soundtracks.

I need to quit watching entire seasons of shows at once and shopping when I am bored of watching seasons of shows. But I really haven't got a social life and I go crazy if I actually do homework/housework/useful tasks all the time. I should be doing them, but I can't bring myself to do anything productive. Something needs to change here but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I don't know what to do, maybe part of me doesn't want to. 

I miss high school speech and I miss living in the dorms. I always had people around me to hang out with and be awake with at weird times of the night. I miss social interaction outside of class and my roommate. But it fails most times I try to set up something with people. No one wants to come, or they have to leave early, or they have zero interest in anything I want to do and it's only what they want. I miss having friends around all the time, however real or fake they may have been, I miss them.

Well that should be enough pathetic/random for one blog post. 

Maybe I'll be back, less sporadically and less random.

Maybe.

No promises, though.

Good night, and good luck. Or something.

Definitely, maybe.

My last few days back here before I head back to the cities. I am not spending time with my high school friends. I am not reading any of the many books I brought with me to finish. I am not buying textbooks online. I am watching movies. Some I planned on, others I didn’t. Some with my family, some with my friends, and some by myself.

Watching movies inevitably leads to thinking thoughts. Sometimes simple thoughts, like ‘good grief that was a boring movie’ or ‘WOW Ryan Reynolds is attractive’. My thoughts often are ‘this music is PERFECT’ or ‘I’m pretty sure so-and-so composed this score. It sounds so much like such-and-such movie’.  Occasionally, though, watching movies leads to thinking thoughts about life. My life. Life in general. The lives of others. (Which, incidentally, is an excellent movie.)

I was watching another one of my typical movies. Chick flicks. Ones I have seen before. Ones that end just as you hoped they would. This one caught me off guard. I guess it’s good I waited awhile before seeing it again; it didn’t lose that this time around. You think he’s ended up with the wrong girl. This is stupid. But then the movie comes around and he is with the right girl and everything is right and lovely in happy chick flick land. True love wins. Not any of the maybe loves in between, but the right one. Settling isn’t the answer.

Obviously I am thinking about love. Specifically in my life. I think I maybe was in love once. Head over heels. But then, one day, I realized that I had fallen out of love. That was that. No feelings at all. Just done. Maybe I just loved him because he loved me. And who doesn’t like being loved, right? Or maybe I wasn’t in love at all. I thought I was, though. For just under two years. I developed a crush on a new guy. Definitely not love. Dated a friend of mine. Turned out to be an asshole. Then there was another guy. I never did like him like that. He didn’t like me either. That was mostly just awkward and did nothing but end several friendships. (This is undoubtedly better this way. I suppose I somewhat have him to thank for that, if not a little to late.)

Three months after that guy, I met this other guy. I thought he was cute. But he is also one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. The way he discusses things he is excited about makes me want to be excited about them too, no matter how boring I normally would find them. We could spend hours together and not have to talk, but also not get sick of each other. We shared things with each other. Videos. Songs. Whatever. Somewhere in there, I fell. Hard. Somewhere else in there, we stopped all communication. I tried for awhile. I refused to give up. But when I saw him in person and he did not even look me in the eye...

It’s been five months since then. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I did wrong. Maybe I imagined our friendship. Maybe it was just one of those friendships that’s formed from convenience. I’ll probably never find out. But what I do know is that despite all of this, I cannot get him off my mind. It has been almost two years since I met him. And so I am probably in love with this guy. Definitely, maybe. (Why yes, that was the movie I watched tonight.)

So I have possibly been in love twice. I’ve never gone on a date or anything close. I’ve never been asked out at all. I am twenty years old and have never had an actual relationship. I never slow danced until I was eighteen, and then just with friends. I went by myself to prom. I am continually disappointed and increasingly worried. I had class with a guy who was married. Married. He is my age, and he is married. People my age are MARRIED and I am still single. I don’t know what this means or whether I should be concerned. I don’t know that my ultimate goal is marriage. Basically, I am wondering if I will ever find love for real. Or at least if I will ever start having normal crushes. The kind that last a few weeks NOT a few years. Maybe my ultimate concern is just to be noticed in a different way than my friends can notice me. Maybe that makes no sense. I’ll figure it out eventually. Definitely. Maybe.