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Definitely, maybe.

My last few days back here before I head back to the cities. I am not spending time with my high school friends. I am not reading any of the many books I brought with me to finish. I am not buying textbooks online. I am watching movies. Some I planned on, others I didn’t. Some with my family, some with my friends, and some by myself.

Watching movies inevitably leads to thinking thoughts. Sometimes simple thoughts, like ‘good grief that was a boring movie’ or ‘WOW Ryan Reynolds is attractive’. My thoughts often are ‘this music is PERFECT’ or ‘I’m pretty sure so-and-so composed this score. It sounds so much like such-and-such movie’.  Occasionally, though, watching movies leads to thinking thoughts about life. My life. Life in general. The lives of others. (Which, incidentally, is an excellent movie.)

I was watching another one of my typical movies. Chick flicks. Ones I have seen before. Ones that end just as you hoped they would. This one caught me off guard. I guess it’s good I waited awhile before seeing it again; it didn’t lose that this time around. You think he’s ended up with the wrong girl. This is stupid. But then the movie comes around and he is with the right girl and everything is right and lovely in happy chick flick land. True love wins. Not any of the maybe loves in between, but the right one. Settling isn’t the answer.

Obviously I am thinking about love. Specifically in my life. I think I maybe was in love once. Head over heels. But then, one day, I realized that I had fallen out of love. That was that. No feelings at all. Just done. Maybe I just loved him because he loved me. And who doesn’t like being loved, right? Or maybe I wasn’t in love at all. I thought I was, though. For just under two years. I developed a crush on a new guy. Definitely not love. Dated a friend of mine. Turned out to be an asshole. Then there was another guy. I never did like him like that. He didn’t like me either. That was mostly just awkward and did nothing but end several friendships. (This is undoubtedly better this way. I suppose I somewhat have him to thank for that, if not a little to late.)

Three months after that guy, I met this other guy. I thought he was cute. But he is also one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. The way he discusses things he is excited about makes me want to be excited about them too, no matter how boring I normally would find them. We could spend hours together and not have to talk, but also not get sick of each other. We shared things with each other. Videos. Songs. Whatever. Somewhere in there, I fell. Hard. Somewhere else in there, we stopped all communication. I tried for awhile. I refused to give up. But when I saw him in person and he did not even look me in the eye...

It’s been five months since then. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I did wrong. Maybe I imagined our friendship. Maybe it was just one of those friendships that’s formed from convenience. I’ll probably never find out. But what I do know is that despite all of this, I cannot get him off my mind. It has been almost two years since I met him. And so I am probably in love with this guy. Definitely, maybe. (Why yes, that was the movie I watched tonight.)

So I have possibly been in love twice. I’ve never gone on a date or anything close. I’ve never been asked out at all. I am twenty years old and have never had an actual relationship. I never slow danced until I was eighteen, and then just with friends. I went by myself to prom. I am continually disappointed and increasingly worried. I had class with a guy who was married. Married. He is my age, and he is married. People my age are MARRIED and I am still single. I don’t know what this means or whether I should be concerned. I don’t know that my ultimate goal is marriage. Basically, I am wondering if I will ever find love for real. Or at least if I will ever start having normal crushes. The kind that last a few weeks NOT a few years. Maybe my ultimate concern is just to be noticed in a different way than my friends can notice me. Maybe that makes no sense. I’ll figure it out eventually. Definitely. Maybe.