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This is not a blog about cutting straws.

The day after the crazy drama explosion happened at work this summer, I had to go back there and continue working. From the moment it blew up and continuing through at least the next few days, I had this incessant pain in my chest. It was strong; it didn't fade when I took deep breaths, when I tried to distract myself in my music, in my job duties. It didn't fade during breaks. It did not fade until after I got home, but even then it still took a little while, it took time to process out of that mode and into relaxed mode. I was so anxious to even be near these awful people who had said and done awful things to the people I'd made friends with. It was as though being around them, I could feel this extreme dislike, this awkwardness, oozing out of them. Wafting towards me. Even when I was drowning out their voices in my music and concentrating on doing my work faster than ever so I wouldn't have to look at their faces. It still hurt in my chest. 

That was the first time I had ever experienced a feeling like that. This extreme anxiety. This knowing that I am around people who I can't stand to be around, and that they clearly can't stand me either. It was terrible. 

Today, I felt that chest pain again. Not as severely, but it's definitely there. I still feel it now, as I'm writing this. It didn't start right away. I think because I didn't go into it worrying, as I did this summer. Then, I knew what I was diving back into. Here, I wasn't so sure. But it was undoubtedly the same feeling. This incessant chest pain accompanied at times by a much faster than normal heart rate. This anxiety. I don't know if this is how I react to any anxiety-causing situation, or only ones where I am aware that I am disliked. So far, that's the only type of anxiety I have ever reacted to. 

I was truly hoping that after I left work I would never have to deal with that feeling again. As I sit here, pressing my hand on my chest in an effort to calm it down, I am hoping I won't. But also wondering if in some weird way I bring these people onto myself. How could it be that I have experiences with similar types of people doing similar things in a relatively short time period? Surely I have done nothing to deserve this? Perhaps it's just my lack of ability to be aggressive- to take charge of a situation, to stand up for myself. Who knows. 

My chest hurts. I am going to sleep.


solar-powered said...

:( I was going to like this on facebook for being about not being about cutting straws. but I do not like this - it makes me sad. I do like you, and I hope you feel better!


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