Ponderings.

I can't help but wonder what changed. Did I change? Did you change? Maybe no one changed, but rather the reality finally came to the surface. Could things have been different? Maybe. In the long run, though, I doubt it. We could have kept it up longer, been civil longer, but the underlying causes would probably still remain. We are who we are, right? Then again, maybe there was a change. A change over time.

 It seems as though a strange combination of changes can occur the more time you spend with someone. On one hand, you see more and more of the other person's true personality. You become more comfortable with one another and are therefore more likely not to hide things about yourself. You are more likely to share things about yourself. Be yourself. On the other hand, you can also start to grate on one another. Over time, only the other person's negative qualities stand out. I believe that as this happens, your mind twists your image of that other person to be much more negative than they perhaps actually are. You start acting more negatively because you feel more negative feelings, which then causes the other person to think more negatively, and so on. It's a horrid cycle, really. But it seems as though that is how it works. 

I'm not sure how this works with people who actually end up getting along all the way through. Is it because they just see more positives? Are there actually more positives? Or maybe this does happen, but on a much smaller scale. I'm not sure. Yes, I do have close friends I've kept with for awhile. That's not why I don't know what happens here. I'm just not sure exactly why these friendships have lasted, while others have not.

Despite this cycle, I still fail to understand how a seemingly close friendship can fall apart. Was it ever based on anything legitimate in the first place, or were we misguided from the beginning? Maybe we became friends simply out of convenience. Maybe we both assumed the issue lied within ourselves rather than within our relationship, or even the other person. Maybe there never really was a friendship, but only the imaginings of one within my mind. Maybe you secretly still are my friend. 

Yes this is me pondering about real friendships, no it's not all about the same one, no I don't believe "ponderings" is a real word. But it should be. 

Goodnight, and good luck.